Tuesday, 26 July 2016


Well my big foray into the world did not come off as I had hoped.   I spent last night awake with stomach ache and feeling like I was going to throw up at any moment.  In the early hours of this morning I realised that somebody somewhere was trying to tell me something.

I guess in my head I felt ready to announce my return to the world but physically I am not yet ready.  I am working on my fitness but I need to push that up a level and build my stamina.  I also need to sort out my sleep as at the moment its not good.  I feel kinda gutted but more determined than ever to sort this out.

I may be 55 but I still have a lot to give the world! My other half thinks maybe nerves got the better of me this time and he is likely right to a certain degree.  I think of the job I used to do and how I am now and I think how can that be?? In my head I can do anything but I have been kidding myself my body is ready for the fray and thats something I have to deal with

Worry not people! I have had a knock down the mountain but I will start climbing again

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Crisis of Confidence

Things have been a bit up and down since I last blogged.   I decided to look into volunteering and applied to a couple of places.  Now I know volunteers are not paid but I am horrified that certain places seem to think that their is no urgency in responding to people who are willing to work for them for free!! It does not take much to send an email but it seems too much trouble for some!!!

After a few reservations I contacted the Voluntary Dept where I used to work.  They not surprisingly are keen to have me! The lady seems nice and I am seeing here next week BUT she seems keen to push me towards an area which I know well.  Makes sense you say but I want to avoid my old working area as I feel my ex colleagues would take advantage.  Being a health care assistant meant you turn your hand to any job really.  One such job was to be a hand holder in the Eye Surgery theatre as the patients were awake and its to stop them feeling anxious.    This is the job she suggested for me to do! I know the theatre and most of the staff well and the procedures hence my reason for avoiding it and doing something different.  I have also had a bit of a wobble about going out into the big bad world again.

I want to feel useful that I am serving a purpose even if its only in a small way but I keep thinking what if I panic what if I cant do it???? I do not feel very brave at the minute but I think I will need to be just to get me started.  

I never thought I could care for sick people, I did.  I never thought I could be comforting and caring to those who were dying but I did that I also never thought I could watch operations a few feet away from me and not faint or be sick but I did!!!! I think when you are recovering from illness you focus on the physical aspects but neglect the mental side of it a bit.

As humans we protect ourselves when something happens.  I know I have wrapped myself up in the protective shell of my house, if I do not go out nothing will happen!! That was fine for a while but I need to start living again.  The cancer has gone and God willing it will never come back but I cannot worry about that anymore.  Time to take charge!!!!!

Friday, 1 July 2016

its been a while

Thought it was time I updated on whats happening with me! I am just back from a lovely holiday in Wales and enjoyed every second of that!

Things are changing fast for me as I am deciding what I am going to do with the next phase of my life now im 55!! (yes I had a birthday) .  My course I have been doing will come to an end in August so I need to think about where I go from there.  I am thinking maybe its time to rejoin the real world but I am terrified about making the first step!  I am looking at maybe doing some volunteering just to test the water and get me back out there.  Everything of course is aimed at those who drive which I don't so finding something may be problematical but I will try!!  My exercise regime is going well I now find I cannot go a day without doing something!! This was what I wanted for it not to be a chore but something I did without thinking!!

Healthwise I am still having my funny days!  I seem to be free of the night sweats which is a big relief but still during the day the odd hot sweat hits me!! I was supposed to have my 2 and a half year cancer check up this month but they have moved the appointment to August now! I am not bothered really as everything is well in that department and the Consultant must have his holidays! haha!

I also had to end a friendship recently which made me sad but was necessary.  I am one of those people in life who never say anything (mainly for peace and quiet) this ex friend had changed a lot over the last 12months.  It didnt end on the best of terms (her not me) but I vowed that no more would I be treated like a second thought.

I sometimes think I am not very bold or brave but then something happens and I do something then I think well maybe I am braver than I think!!! Its finding whats right for you and not settling for 2nd best!  I will update soon!!

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Its been a while

Things are going okay in my world at the moment.  My mammogram was clear so that was a big relief but now I have my cancer check up due next month.  I am not worried as such I just think I have had my fill of hospitals for a while!

Today I want to talk about friends, or lack of them!  I am a 54 year old woman who through ill health no longer works I dont drive so I am stuck indoors.  I have one friend who i felt close to today made me realise the feeling isnt mutual so I need to make more friends but how??

Everything seems to be set up for women who drive these days but what about those of us who don't? There must be many women like me who for one reason or another find themselves just a bit lost??? I would like to think I am outgoing.  I am quite shy when you first meet me but once I get to know you I never shut up!! I am not the bravest of souls however.  Doing something out of my comfort zone scares me to death but i think this is what I am going to have to do to shake my life up!!

I have no set plan in my head just a few disjointed ideas at the moment but i will persevere and come up with something!!!

Monday, 9 May 2016

Making us wait but still necessary

As you may know when you reach your 50th birthday you get invited for a mammogram.  I was actually 52 before I had my first one as I think it depends on how your local health authority is run.  

It has amazingly been three years since my last one this shocked me when I got the letter advising me of this and with a new appointment to go.  This I did about 10days ago.  I find it a very unpleasant experience if I am honest.  My sister told me it was actually better if you are big breasted and not so uncomfortable but I beg to differ! Anyways it is what it is and the lady conducting the test was great.

I am now in the waiting period, I was told within 2 weeks.  The scans have to be signed off by two doctors hence the reason it can take a while but as someone who is a past cancer sufferer this waiting is beginning to be a bit of a torture.  I am not worried about anything as such but when you have had cancer your mind starts to work overtime when you feel a pain or a twinge in your body.  It has taken me a while to push the whole cancer thing to the back of my mind.  Do not get me wrong its still there and pops its head up occasionally but I am trying to get on with my life and not let it define me.

A lot of women that I know have given up going for a mammogram as they feel it can increase the risk of cancer.  I did consider it briefly until I remembered my sister's sister in law.  She went for her first mammogram at the age of 50.  She was floored when she found out she had breast cancer! She had not found a lump and had no symptoms.  I am happy to report she is still alive, kicking and now cancer free but the point I am making is that if she had decided against that test I doubt very much she would be here now.

So ladies if you are in that position and you are not sure think very carefully before you say no!  The test is uncomfortable but a few minutes of pain is worth it to know you are okay.  

I will update you soon..........

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Mixed Messages

I am writing this today in response to a report stating that obesity is 'likely' the cause for womb cancer.  Now I am overweight I would not deny that but I think its all too easy to jump on that bandwagon and blame it for everything.

When I went to my GP because of irregular periods he thought it was my hormone levels and sent me for a blood test.  My results came back all out of whack and high!! he then said we will retest you in a month, after the next test they were normal.  He then referred me to the hospital and my Consultant after examining me said they would put in a mirena coil and also take a biopsy to check things out.  It was only when the biopsy came back that it showed early stage womb cancer.  On that fateful visit he told me firstly I was too young to get it!!!  He then said possible causes were obesity, starting your periods early and not carrying a child to full term all 3 of which I have experienced!!!

I belong to a group online called Womb Cancer Support UK.  They are a great bunch of ladies and gave me great support through my surgery and afterwards.  The point I am trying to make is that many of the ladies on there are not obese!!!!!!!! My worry is women who see this article will think "Oh well I am not overweight so I do not need to worry".

Yes I am overweight but I was fairly fit and worked as a HCA on a stroke ward which was at times hard work.   My message is really if you have ANY worries about your periods or lack of them please go and see the doctor.  After years of being overweight I am finally trying to get fit.  It will take me a long time to get anywhere near where I was when I was younger but I am trying!!!! So do not assume just because you are skinny and fit you will not get womb cancer.  BE AWARE of your health generally!!!

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Finding Strength

My get up and move plan is going well! There are some days I do not want to do it but I am proud to say I have not missed a day since I got my DVD.  My next subject to tackle is my diet and that won't be so easy!

I am a comfort eater, I have been ever since I can remember!  I was skinny for a while but since I got married one thing after another has hit me and I turn to sweets and crisps to make myself feel better.  I am more and more aware that as my 55th birthday is approaching that I need to do something and quickly.   I have tried to diet before I even went to Slimming World and lost 3 stone but the woman who ran the group was scary so I quit! Pathetic I know!!!!  I need to sort the core problem and that is the reason I over eat.  I did study Emotional Freedom Therapy and think I may start there.  If I had the money I would have hypnotherapy.  When I was depressed last year about my cancer the MacMillan Cancer centre sent me to a brilliant hypnotherapist who sorted me out but rates to see him or anyone privately are extortionate.

I will find a way! I am done with feeling sorry for myself its time to start living my life again! If I can encourage just one person who is feeling that they want to break free of the same things I am trying  to break free from please leave a contact email in the comments and I will get in touch!! Everyone needs someone and its not always easy to tell or confide in family as they are too close and tell you things like "Oh you are fine as you are"! 

I will update as and when I feel I have something good to share with you.....